For Immediate Release:
June 10, 2019
Global icon Don “Lord DonnieBob” Clasen announced at a press conference today the formation of his brand new institute, the Foundation for the Promotion of Cancers.
“For far too long the world has been languishing in a state of confusion over what to do about the deplorable levels of ignorance we are seeing in our time,” he said. “There’s only one answer to this dilemma—Get the light back into enlightenment!”
When challenged to elaborate on such an esoteric statement he explained, “The other day as I was contemplating how much I enjoyed summer, it suddenly hit me like a flash. It’s not just that school was always out that time of year and the joy of it got burned into my subconscious. It’s that I’m a Cancer, and it’s the secret to my special contribution to humanity.”
“I figure it this way. When is there a maximum amount of daylight and a minimum amount of darkness, but during the Summer Solstice , about June 21st? That’s the beginning of the zodiac sign of Cancer which continues on another 30 days into summer, the coolest time of the year. And by coolest, I mean like the ‘hip and with it’ sense of course. We’re not talking about temperatures like a bunch of old people.”
“Now, here’s my theory. In a lot of superhero movies nowadays you’ll see the bad guy try to suck the very life, the light, the energy out of the good guy and leave him or her for dead. But heroes already have so much light that they can spread it all around. So it follows that those babies born on and after the summer solstice come about with longer and stronger amounts of daylight than ordinary people. Especially Capricorns whose downer motto ought to be, “Winter is coming!”
“It is for this reason that I established this non-profit institute, dedicated to the study, care and feeding of Cancers, thanking them for emanating forth so much light into the world. Where would we be without them?”
When asked by a smarmy Enemy of the People reporter if that included Geminis too, he shot back, “Of course not. They’re just a bunch of flighty pretenders to the throne. There’s no critical mass until it peaks.”
When asked if he’s made any breakthrough discoveries yet, Clasen offered up, “Why as a matter of fact, we discovered a stunning statistic—Cancers already make up 8.25% of world population and growing. How’s that for a hopeful sign in such a dismal age?”
He added that even amongst these crabby people there’s an even more special strain, the King Crab. “King Crabs such as myself aren’t your ordinary, everyday boring crab. They don’t have round faces and drone on and on with all their cornball about God and country. This breed has extra long arms and legs, beady eyes and makes for right tasty eating.”
Rockin’ that Conan O’Brian look.
At that he paused and added, “On second thought I better classify that information before anybody gets any ideas. I mean, they really expect you to be able to cut the mustard here. Besides, it’s already dangerous enough being a missionary among these godless Hollywoodians.”
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